November 29, 2012: Living with HIV

On Thursday November 29, 2012, I decided to go in for my routine STI Testing. It was a normal thing for me to do every six months since 2010 after a tumultuous relationship. I got up put on some nice slacks, prayed and headed to Spartanburg, SC for my test.

I arrived there for my appointment. I walked into the clinic, and checked in with the receptionist, "Diane." The woman's tone was nice and professional. She was welcoming and reassuring. I took note of that understanding how people felt about getting tested for STIs and HIV. U=U was new on the scene and I had just began understanding it better. I knew that it was no longer a death sentence as it was decades prior, however I didn't know how it would affect me.

In order to prepare, I couldn't hours prior nor could I have chewed chewing gum as I was to take the mouth swab test. I knew the routine so I felt comfortable. I felt that all would be well with my results, but I recognized that I had been having unprotected sex, so I was prepared for anything.

Well time for testing comes. The administrator, who I'll call Tania, welcomed me in with the same tone and care as with Diane. Tania tested me on my knowledge of HIV. There were some things that I had wrong. Some things I had right. Tania gently re-educated me and then prepared me for the testing process.

Tania explained the swab test and how the process would go in the event that I was positive. As she, explained the test and the possible process, my mind went to a dream I had months prior in June. In the dream, I had went to the clinic and I found out that I was HIV positive. I immediately woke up and "rebuked" it as I was doing the Christian thing (Thank I'm an atheist now). I started to prepare my mind for that possibility and how I would react.

Then came testing time. I went into the testing area. I washed my hands. I took a deep breath and I started to think of my favorite song by the Clark Sisters "You Brought the Sunshine," to settle my nerves. Tania swab my mouth and sent me back to her office to wait 20 minutes for the results to come back.

While we waited Tania and I discussed life aspirations, goals, how my day and week went. I don't recall all of the conversation as the time flew by. The conversation was soothing and up lifting. Tania didn't discuss what I would do in case I was positive. I appreciate that. She didn't stoke unnecessary fear or stigma.

The timer went off and Tania went to check my results. Here came the moment of truth. The next words out of Tania's mouth changed me for ever. I braced myself for the results. Tania said to me "I have your results. You have tested positive. This could be a false positive so we are going to refer you to the health department where they will do a blood test."

I was strangely calm as I replayed the dream from June in my head. I prayed, but I felt sad, disappointed, rejected, and scared. I fought my emotions and recognized that I would be okay. So many thoughts filled my mind.

"Who Would Love me? Who would want to kiss me? What would my family say? I'm going to lose my hair. I'm going to die." So many things but, Tania's voice cut through the noise.

Tania asked me how did I feel. I responded with "I'm ready to go home and eat," to lighten my own mood. I continued "I'm scared, but relieved. I know that I'm going to be okay." I didn't believe it.

Tania also made sure that I didn't feel like harming anyone or myself. I assured her that I'm okay. I also had to give a list of people that I had been with during this process. It felt so invasive and I didn't want anyone to blame me for anything.

With that I scheduled my appointment for the blood test and I took my voyage home. I stopped by Boots and Sonny's Hamburger and Hotdog restaurant and got my favorite chili cheeseburger combo meal with a root-beer. I ruminated on how I would tell my best friend and what that would look like. I expected people to walk away from me. However, that proved to be a lie.

The next week I had the blood test. They tested me for other STIs which was more thorough. My new counselor's were a big help mentally and emotionally. They re-educated me on living with HIV and the medications. I knew I was on my way.

I did end up telling my friend, my Pops, and my Donor concerning my status. I stupidly told my aunt due to her husband passing of complications from AIDS in the 90s. That's another story for another day.

My best friend didn't leave me and I was able to have a healthy sex life. Of course I've been rejected due to my status and I experience HIV stigma But I am still here 13 years later. I live with HIV. I am NOT HIV. I am free and I am continuing to fight. I fight on for those who didn't survive the AIDS epidemic. I fight on as this administration threatens healthcare and HIV funding. I fight on for Life.

I am strong. HIV LIVES MATTER!!!